Throughout most of our lives in school, making friends was easy— whether it was in the hallway or during group activities. But once we left school and its built-in social opportunities behind to step into the real world, the way we make friends changes completely. Have you ever realized just how different it becomes?
When you’re in your twenties, you’re figuring out who you are, including your likes and dislikes which influences the people you surround yourself with. You slowly start becoming aware that those likes and dislikes are not often aligned with the friends you have. While it is not a make or break up a friendship, but it helps leads to clarity of who you want representing your best interests. Then like me, you realize friends could now be a liability to your growth or a positive influence.
It is a subtle shift in how you’re growing as a person. You’re slowly accepting parts of yourself while filtering out anything you feel you don’t need to do anymore. So when your friends are calling you to do the same stuff you’re thinking to yourself you don’t feel like doing that anymore, I implore you to say no.
When Saying No Feels Uncomfortable, But It’s Worth It
FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) is a valid feeling and one that is difficult to shake off but saying, “No” will save you time to invest in other things even if it means relaxing. When you start to say no, you may get comments from your friends that could seem innocent or flat out criticizing your absence. You are reducing their ability to access your time and they’re showing you how they feel.
Its okay if it feels uncomfortable and you might feel a need to apologize for not being there, or you may not care.
Either way, reducing your time with some of these friends will have a deep impact in the long run and you could be experiencing this yourself too vice versa.
On the other hand, there are going to be times when people don’t want to hang out with you, and they’re not obligated to give you a reason. I’ve had nights where I didn’t feel like going out, just like how people might not always be up for hanging out with me. Giving space to yourself and others helps you avoid taking their decisions personally. The right people will understand that. But if a friend starts stirring up drama over something small, it could be a sign they’re not respecting your friendship, especially if the argument is over something you don’t even care about.
Friendship Can Look Different at Different Stages of Life
How do you build and maintain friendships as adults? The harsh reality is building friendships as adults can be challenging.
Don’t try to hold onto people. Many people make this mistake.
It’s okay to have friends you do not share a deep emotional connection with.
It’s okay to have friends you share a hobby with and that’s all you do together.
It’s okay to be friends with people you go out with and see them once every 2 months or 6 months or a year.
The Importance of Communication
One of things I learned about building new friendships as an adult is that I do not like is a lack of communication when plans have been set.
If I’ve made time to hang out, a quick message if you’re running late helps me plan my time better. If plans need to change, just let me know. I am someone who will text you to let you when I’m on my way or if I’m running late. I appreciate consideration and if I do not get that, I’ll mention this to my friend. If the lack of communication continues, I don’t see us hanging out anymore.
Communication is essential! I see communication as a show of respect because communication is honesty and an important display of skills. Honestly, communication shows a lot about a person more than people may realize.
The Most Important Friendship: The One You Build with Yourself
Lastly, it is important for you to maintain a sense of perception, where you don’t internalize other people’s actions or events as a personal attack or a reflection of your value. By letting new friendships be as they are and you keep focusing on you, you create a space where a friendship can grow organically. Life happens and you can’ t take that person’s life personally.
Growing up in a bubble, you were used to having your personal life be intertwined with your classmates you saw daily. As an adult, you have to relearn how to make friends with people since you’re no longer in the same daily bubble. Through this process, you’ll find the most important friendship you will build is the one you build within yourself. Be fluid by allowing people to come and go as they need to, be kind and most importantly, be respectful to yourself and to them.
Embrace the Fluidity of Friendships
From growing up in a bubble and moving forward to adulthood, the ease of making friends and building connections is no longer built into your daily routine. You’re no longer surrounded by classmates you’ve known for years, and the structure that once fostered friendships is gone. Your twenties teaches why you must adapt, learn to connect with others in different ways, and in the process, discover the importance of friendship within yourself.
Embrace the fluidity of relationships, allowing people to come and go as they do, while remembering to be kind, respectful, and most importantly, patient with both yourself and others.
